Take a Picture... it will last longer.
Reframing Relationships: The Path to Fulfillment and the Perils of Neglect
I am a very avid daydreamer.
Honestly, I just realized this a few months ago, reading old journals and remembering times gone by. I used to lose myself in thought, ideas, and mental dialog for hours. Finding healing from some traumas last year opened my mind to those memories and I realized that I had come to a place of focusing on very large hurts at the cost of many small blessings.
If the two were weighed, the hurts would be invisible. Yet, there they were, like the princess and the pea, keeping me awake in my soul.
“Take a picture, it will last longer…!” she yelled as I came back into the frame of reality.
I had my Walkman (cassette, not CD) and was deep in thought, staring ahead on a bus. The ride was hours long and I guess, my comatose gaze must have caught the attention of a girl a few rows in front of me. Afterward, I learned that she thought I was staring at her and in an attempt to get my attention with smiles and gestures, it turned creepy. So she walks back to my seat and expresses that I should take a picture as a retort to my creepiness.
Coming to focus, she realized that I was still staring forward when she arrived. So, my apologies and explanation were received. We became pretty good friends from that incident. Two things I learned:
I needed to be aware that a blank stare wasn’t obvious and my daydreaming could get me into trouble. And, that taking a picture does last longer. Keeping a record of sorts helps us revisit anything at any time.
So, I began to embrace this idea. And today, I have a memory bank of millions of memories I can recall in a second. But often I find myself clothed in the negative side of things. The bad memories. And if I’m not careful, those will become the truth of me, and erase the volumes of good.
This essay is a brief overview of a text thread that I sent my family this morning and in kind, I wanted to write here, to keep the discipline of publishing… so metaphors and all.
Think about how you think about what you think about.
And ask yourself, “how am I truly investing in what matters most regarding those who love me?”
“What picture am I remembering that is costing me life?”
If life is a photograph, relationships are the vivid colors and shades that give depth and richness to the image. Each hue represents a person, each shade an interaction, together composing a dynamic and ever-changing picture. In the rush of everyday life, we sometimes overlook the art of actively developing these relationships. Instead of being the photographers, consciously adjusting the focus and composition, we often find ourselves merely as viewers of a static image. Let's pause to consider the profound influence of consciously editing and enhancing these relationships, picturing the vibrant possibilities of such endeavors, and acknowledging the dim and faded outcomes of their neglect.
The Power of Positive Reframing
Reframing our relationships begins with a shift in perspective. It requires us to look beyond the surface, to see not just what is, but what could be. It's about understanding that every person in our life is not just a character in our story, but a universe unto themselves, with their hopes, fears, and dreams. This shift in perspective is akin to the scriptural call in Philippians 2:4, which urges us to "look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others." This isn't about losing ourselves in the process; it's about expanding our capacity for empathy and connection.
Imagine a relationship touched by this mindset. Conflicts become less about winning and more about understanding. Conversations are no longer monologues but dialogues. The mundane becomes meaningful. This is the essence of a positively reframed relationship - it transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary.
Once per week I spend about ten minutes looking through the anniversary posts on my social media accounts. Today I saw this:
Now after 29 years together, there are a lot of memories. A ton of pictures. And among them are some very good and not-so-good moments. In a sense, it’s easy to frame the pain into the large 20x40 foot masterpieces and hang them in the prominent halls of our egos. If I didn’t attempt to roll through the picture box and find little polaroids like this, I would keep making the bad larger and larger.
Just like that little note I keep in my wallet, this one just reminded me that I am rich. Reframing is a daily task. It must be.
Application: How to Make It Happen
The journey of reframing relationships is both simple and complex. It starts with small, intentional actions:
Active Listening: Truly listen when someone speaks, not just wait for your turn to talk. Hear their words, understand their emotions, and respond with empathy.
Appreciation and Affirmation: Regularly express gratitude and appreciation. Acknowledge the good in others, and let them know they are valued.
Quality Time: Invest time in your relationships. Quality trumps quantity. It’s about being fully present, not just physically there.
Open Communication: Foster an environment where open and honest communication is the norm. Encourage sharing without the fear of judgment or retribution.
Forgiveness and Grace: Be quick to forgive and slow to anger. Remember, everyone is navigating their struggles.
The Why: The Rationale Behind Reframing Relationships
The motivation for this effort lies in the fundamental human need for connection and belonging. Relationships grounded in understanding, respect, and love are not just desirable but essential for our well-being. They provide a support system, a sense of belonging, and a mirror through which we see ourselves more clearly.
From a broader perspective, positively reframed relationships contribute to a more compassionate society. They become the microcosms of the world we wish to see - a world where kindness, understanding, and mutual respect are the norm.
The Bitter Demise of Neglect
Conversely, neglecting to reframe our relationships can lead to a path of emotional desolation. Relationships left unattended are like gardens overrun by weeds. The initial neglect might seem inconsequential, but over time, the damage becomes profound. Communication breaks down, resentment builds, and the distance grows. The result is a life filled with missed opportunities for joy, growth, and deep connection.
In the shadow of such neglect, we find ourselves in a state of emotional impoverishment, where loneliness and misunderstanding reign. It's a stark contrast to the flourishing garden of nurtured relationships.
In Conclusion
The call to reframe our relationships is a call to action, an invitation to engage deeply with the people around us. It's a journey towards a more fulfilling life, guided by empathy, understanding, and love. As we embark on this path, we not only enrich our own lives but also contribute to the creation of a world brimming with meaningful connections.
Let this be our collective mission – to nurture our relationships with the same care and intention we wish to receive, fostering a society where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued.
By doing so, we actually live.
"Let's pause to consider the profound influence of consciously editing and enhancing these relationships, picturing the vibrant possibilities of such endeavors, and acknowledging the dim and faded outcomes of their neglect." Amen James! Your writing is so beautiful. It's becoming more and more clear to me that my most heartfelt mission in life is to promote authentic human connection. You make a very eloquent case for the need of nurtured relationships, but at this point, I think it's the only thing that is going to save the world. Storytelling is such an important skill for the inner life, because through it we realize how much authority we have to see our lives and experiences in a way that feeds connection.
James this was a beautiful start to my morning full of wonderful perspectives and descriptive story elements. I published a piece this past Sunday that had a similar theme. It’s on my Substack - “we see with our eyes, we recognize with our hearts” if you care to check it out.