When Building a Puzzle, Toss a Few Pieces to Start (#35)
Finding Beauty in the Building, not the Perfect.
I was 13.
The vastness of the black backdrop disturbed the sobering of my intricately developed focus. Just a handful of precision elements remained until completion. It had taken weeks, and I could feel the excitement building as I envisioned the final view: A sea of Oreo cookies and a tall glass of milk.
Five, four, three, two, one… what? One… One more! Where was the last one?! NOOOOOOO~!
For my birthday that year, I received the classic Oreo and Milk 500-piece jigsaw puzzle. It was 80% black and 15% white with very small hues and shades nearly indistinguishable without good lighting. I loved the challenge and was devastated when the final piece was missing. It sort of ruins the entire outcome when something like this takes place. When you work hard to complete something and find that all the while, it could never be done.
It wasn’t the end of the world, and we did find the missing piece snuggly stuck to the box lid in the corner. But for a moment, “it was broken."
This episode from my youth encapsulates a profound lesson that resonates deeply with my understanding of relationships and personal growth.
The missing puzzle piece became a metaphor for the inevitable imperfections and losses we encounter in life. Initially, it seemed to mar the entirety of my efforts, rendering the project incomplete in my eyes. Yet, this experience taught me that perfection isn't the absence of imperfection but the embrace and incorporation of it into our lives.
Drawing from this, I've come to see the beauty and strength in relationships that have faced their share of losses and challenges. Much like the art of kintsugi, where broken pottery is mended with gold, relationships too can be healed and strengthened, not by erasing the scars but by illuminating them. This philosophy teaches us to find beauty in the broken and to appreciate the history and growth that come from overcoming adversity.
It also drives the persistent foolishness of perfectionism into the cold.
In my pastoral counseling, I've encountered countless individuals and couples struggling to piece back together the fragments of their relationships. It's easy to become fixated on what's missing or what's been lost, to see only the gap where a piece has fallen away. Instinctively we yearn to put things back in order, get them fixed, and make them whole again.
Yet, what if, instead of focusing on the absence, we chose to see the space as an opportunity? An opportunity to fill the gap with something new, something perhaps even more precious than what was lost.
In this light, the missing puzzle piece from my childhood puzzle serves as a powerful analogy. Initially, its absence felt like a flaw, a failure that diminished the value of the entire puzzle. But upon reflection, and especially after finding it, I realized that the perceived imperfection added to the story, to the character of the puzzle. It wasn't just a sea of Oreos and milk; it was a testament to perseverance, to the joy of searching and finding, and to the lesson, that completion isn't about having all the pieces in place but about embracing and celebrating the journey.
This perspective has profoundly influenced my approach to helping others. Whether it's in life coaching, counseling, or personal interactions, I advocate for seeing the beauty in the incomplete, the value in the journey, and the strength in the scars. We are all, in some way, puzzles with missing pieces, whether from loss, change, or growth. Yet, it's these very gaps that offer us the chance to fill them with gold, to mend our broken parts with something valuable and beautiful.
The lesson here transcends the realm of puzzles and pottery; it's a life lesson about resilience, hope, and the beauty of human imperfection. It teaches us that even when a small piece is missing, we don't have to view our efforts or our lives as ruined. On the contrary, these moments of incompleteness are invitations to creativity, strength, and deeper connections with ourselves and others.
Reflecting on that day, with the puzzle nearly complete, I recognize now that the brief moment of imperfection, of incompleteness, offered me a glimpse into a much larger truth. It's not the flawless completion of our tasks or relationships that define their worth but the way we address the gaps, how we fill them, and how we allow them to transform us.
Had that puzzle been framed with an obvious hole, it would have been a testimony of the journey, a story of the process of building, and a lesson that what we think we are going to see is often different in the end.
And that’s OK.
In embracing our imperfections, we find our true beauty and strength, creating a masterpiece far more meaningful than any perfect completion could offer.
To weave the essence of rebuilding and embracing imperfection through the fabric of our lives, we delve into nine areas of application. These principles, drawn from philosophy, psychology, and biblical teachings, offer a roadmap for enriching our personal lives, marriages, careers, families, and friendships.
1. Cultivating Self-Compassion
Embrace your journey, including the missteps and detours, as integral to who you are. Practice self-reflection and forgiveness, allowing yourself to grow from experiences rather than be defined by them. This self-compassion becomes the bedrock upon which you build stronger relationships in all spheres of life.
2. Fostering Open Communication
In every relationship, strive for honesty and vulnerability. Encourage conversations that delve beneath the surface, sharing fears, dreams, and disappointments openly. This level of communication is vital in marriages, deepening the connection and understanding between partners as they navigate changes together.
3. Embracing Change Together
Change is inevitable, whether in personal development, career paths, or family dynamics. Approach change not as a harbinger of loss but as an opportunity for growth and new experiences. In marriage, this means adapting and growing together, finding new ways to connect and support each other.
4. Building Resilience Through Adversity
Adversity tests the strength of any bond. Instead of allowing challenges to create rifts, use them as opportunities to strengthen your resilience. Reflect on biblical teachings like James 1:2-4, which remind us that trials develop perseverance, leading to maturity and completeness.
5. Practicing Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and renewal. In all relationships, learn to forgive not just others but also yourself. This act frees you from the burden of past grievances, allowing you to rebuild and move forward with a lighter heart.
6. Investing in Shared Experiences
Create memories and traditions that bind you to others. Shared experiences, whether with a spouse, family members, or friends, serve as the glue that holds relationships together, especially during times of change or when facing life’s puzzles.
7. Setting Boundaries for Growth
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They create safe spaces for individuals to grow and express themselves freely. In marriage, clear boundaries around time, communication, and personal space can foster a sense of security and respect.
8. Offering Unconditional Support
Be a pillar of support for your loved ones. This means being present during both the triumphs and trials, offering encouragement and love without conditions. In family and friendships, this support is the foundation upon which trust and intimacy are built.
9. Seeking Collective Wisdom
Lean on the wisdom of those who have walked before you. This can be through engaging with philosophical texts, psychological research, or biblical scriptures. Such wisdom can offer guidance and perspective, helping you navigate the complexities of relationships with grace and understanding.
By applying these principles across the various realms of our lives, we learn to cherish the beauty of imperfection and the strength of resilience. Each relationship, with its unique challenges and joys, becomes a testament to our ability to rebuild and create something even more beautiful from the broken pieces. Whether in personal growth, marriage, career, family, or friendships, the journey of rebuilding teaches us the value of each moment and the potential for transformation that lies within.
Go live your life. Rest and by joyful.