Men are a Mess. We need to deal with more than just toxic masculinity.
Understanding Strength in Modern Masculinity: My Perspective, well, sort of…
In our ongoing conversation about the evolving nature of masculinity, I find it crucial to delve into the complexities of what it means to be a strong man in today's world. Here is an excerpt from my personal and professional writings that captures the essence of this discussion: (unedited thoughts)
"A man that requires constant validation is weak. Yet it is not weak to desire emotional connection, vulnerability, intimacy, and to have and process feelings, this is what it means to be human. These differentiating ideas often dictate our way of life as men, then we either double down on the negative outcomes and say 'F it!' or we run to the edges of avoidance to be different, nice, engaged, and often lose our primal instincts as men. Part of the reason for this is that as men we live in parallel cages with blinders floating the corridors of life not realizing that our brothers are equally in need. Men have come to wrongly impose that softness should be found only in romance with a woman, tenderness in sex, or exhaustingly placating to what we think we should be. Sex seems to be the only place most men feel vulnerable and because of that misplacement, we are not even genuine in those moments. I suppose that emotional connection, vulnerability, intimacy, and processing of feelings should be found among other men more than with our romantic partners or wives. Until this shift moves apart from the cultural extremes, men will ever be fettered to unrealistic, toxic, and broken expressions of humanity."
Through this passage, I aim to explore and clarify several crucial points:
1. The True Nature of Strength:
I believe that seeking constant validation can be a sign of weakness, but it's essential to distinguish this from the natural, human need for emotional connection. It's a misconception that strength is devoid of emotional need. Embracing our emotional depth is a sign of true strength.
2. Emotional Processing in Masculinity:
I've observed that men often feel pressured to suppress emotions, leading to either negative reactions or a loss of genuine self. I argue that it's vital for men to embrace their capacity for intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional processing.
3. Breaking the Isolation:
In my writings, I use the metaphor of 'parallel cages' to describe the isolation many men feel. We must recognize that we are not alone in our struggles and that understanding and sharing these experiences can foster a stronger sense of community and empathy among men.
4. Rethinking Emotional Expression:
I critique the common belief that vulnerability and emotional connection are only appropriate in romantic or sexual contexts. This limited view can lead to inauthentic experiences. We should expand our emotional expression to all areas of our lives, including our relationships with other men.
5. Advocating for a Cultural Shift:
Finally, I call for a shift away from the cultural extremes that limit men's expressions of humanity. We need to move towards a more balanced and authentic understanding of masculinity, where emotional connections are part of all our relationships.
While I am preparing a large project related to misogyny as well as establishing a coaching framework I call R.E.A.L., I have to address both chambers of our societal makeup to rightly manage becoming an ally, using my privilege, and being a voice of hope, not complaints. Therefore I must also strive to challenge and reshape the traditional notions of masculinity. I believe that by embracing our emotional selves and fostering genuine connections, we can redefine what it means to be strong men in today's world, free from the constraints of outdated stereotypes.
Caveat: I know that the issue and discussion of sexuality is not for all audiences. However, I am finding a common thread among all camps of communities: there is an unspoken essence of often unconscious entitlement and sexism that coexists. So, while I won’t write exclusively about these things they will be in regular rotation as I seek engagement and moreover, conversation.
Here is an introductory thought that launched this iteration of expanding these ideas. For those who have been watching from the sidelines, it will resonate accordingly. As usual, I am always open to engagement, ideas, corrections, warnings, and encouragement.
”If men are to truly be men, they must embrace what makes one a man, what a man needs, what drives him, and only then will he begin to know himself. Only then, will the true man emerge from the child within. The trial by fire begins here, learning to listen to the primal reality rather than the cultural stories; or rather lies. Here a man can be himself in the world and embraced by those who are like him, driven to grow from the soil of his own tilling, within the grounds of a kingdom that he serves.”
Don’t forget this focus:
Vital topic James. To the point of isolation consider friendship. Cicero’s On Friendship is a must read if you haven’t already. CS Lewis’ Four Loves has a solid modern synthesis of most of the points Cicero put forth in friendship. I believe this is the great failure of our culture. We claimed to worship a God who said he is love then claimed there is no greater love than giving one’s life for one’s friends but then as a culture we stopped short of modeling and educating experientially friendship.
Looking forward to reading more of your work on this topic as always.
This is a vital conversation to be surfacing for men James. Thank you for bringing it. It brought up so much for that I found myself deep here into leaving an extended comment that deserves a different space, so if I get to developing it I will tag you in.