The soft pine wasn't as soft anymore as I lay there, breathless, with no motivation.
This century home, built in 1898, was a blessing, but the work it needed was more than this one man could muster. Countless hours, days, and weeks turned into months. Eleven, to be exact.
A close friend offered to do the work for $85,000. At this point, I wish I had just borrowed the money and let them do it. I was exhausted in every sense, and my body was falling apart as 10-hour days turned to 15, then 20, then sometimes 30 with just a few hours of sleep.
I love this house. My wife had an immediate bond the day she saw the staircase and French doors as she imagined the restoration and the opening of our hearts as a family in this space. I wanted nothing more than to give her this dream and make this house more than a home, a haven.
At the time in 2012, I didn't know why I was so driven and more so, why I was a crippled perfectionist. When seeing any project, I can unpack every attribute, step, and necessity for the project to succeed. But I feel the weight of such things immediately.
Before 2021, I never contemplated I wouldn’t achieve a goal or perfect its outcome.
This house was no different.
The anxiety of seeing the perfected, realized product pushed me, and I intended to finish it, perfectly. In 2023, I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), and now I understand why I am the way I am. I also have the tools now not to be triggered, blindly driven, and crippled by failure, in any sense.
Those floors…
I lay on them, watching the moisture of my breath, face down on the dust, create a paste. A mixture of labor, one-hundred-year-old pine, and lifetimes of memories reminded me of the intersectionality of my living moment and those who trod these floors before me.
But I was done. My body had given out. My wife was under medical bedrest in the last few months of her pregnancy, which would result in a life-changing condition, so my obsession to perfectly complete everything right then for her sake was even greater. I had purchased every tool necessary to restore this house, including an industrial set of floor sanders, chisels, and hand sanding pads. I was in the "short rows," as you call it, buffing the corners, carving the edges where the walls meet the foundation, using homemade tools and instruments no larger than a toothbrush to accommodate the necessary leveling of the wood.
For six days, I did this. I moved into the living room and realized that another ten days wouldn't touch the need.
This particular night, my sweet bride was with me. Sitting down, helping keep me company, and even trimming some of the staircase as she could. She saw my fatigue. I think she saw my fear—I just didn't know that was there.
After several hours, I collapsed. Lay on the floor. And just said, "I have nothing, I can't."
At that moment, her hand touched my shoulder. "James, it doesn't have to be perfect. I believe in you, you can do this."
Those words had power.
It reminded me of the first day we saw the home. The disrepair, the neglect, and the pure horror of infestation and one hundred years of unknown. She was smiling and near giddy looking at this house where not even one door was hanging or one window of the 38 total had complete panes. The walls were butchered, the roof had leaked all through the structure, the person before us had 'faked' a rewire attempt, and the whole house needed gutting, full electrical, and full plumbing, not to mention the numerous other things that caught my obsessive eye.
But in all of that, she could tell that first day I was a bit overwhelmed. Or maybe she just thought I was angry or flustered. Who knows, I was neither. I was fearful... that I would not be able to accomplish this task, and worse, that I would fail her.
But she turned to me as we walked through the 400 square foot kitchen to the battered back door into the backyard that was so grown up, it took two months of cutting trees, 28 in total, just to get to the yard, and said, "I believe in you, James. I know you have the skills to do this. I know you can do it."
Those words empowered me to work until the day I was face down in the dust.
And those words again, with the encouragement that it was "good enough," launched me to new heights.
But why? Why can't we find that motivation within ourselves? For me, it's because I am so motivated that I am unable to see my weakness until it hits my physical body. In nearly 30 years, the only times I have been down is when my body takes a hit. Then comes my mind because, without my ability to do what needs to be done, there goes my worth—then my identity.
This is nonsense, but it is exactly how I have discovered my subconscious mind has thought over the last 50 years.
So, I have learned to accept my limits.
Now these limits have triggered others. Those who have always seen me get things done now see me let some things go. Those choices are intentional on my part. But, then I am triggered by the change of perception toward me. Well, I've also learned that "other's opinion of me is none of my business."
I'll say though, that your spouse and how they see you is vital. It's part of the promise to be there for each other, and it should hold weight. But in times of illness and despair, we cannot hold to the perceptions of even the most intimate relationship we have in life as our hope or happiness. No, but we can patiently wait and watch the growth of new things emerge as we discover more deeply our identity and our authentic selves.
There are people in my life who have impressed me at times and encouraged me often. But, I will say that those closest to me, especially my wife, are more than impressive, (which is an external observation), but they amaze me. She amazes me.
So what to take from here? Well, there are several lessons that I have learned:
Accepting Personal Limits
Recognizing and accepting one's limitations is a profound act of self-awareness. It's a journey that moves us from a place of relentless striving, often beyond our means, to a space of grace and understanding for ourselves. It’s not being chicken to accept we aren’t God.
This acceptance doesn't diminish our value or detract from our achievements; rather, it humanizes us, allowing us to connect with others on a more genuine level. It teaches us that our worth is not contingent on our productivity or the perfection of our outputs but is inherent in our very existence.
Moreover, this lesson invites us to reconsider our approach to challenges. By understanding our limits, we can set more realistic goals, allocate our energies more wisely, and find satisfaction in progress rather than perfection. This shift not only enhances our well-being but also allows us to be more present with our loved ones, sharing in the joys and sorrows of life with a more open and accepting heart.
The Power of Support
The encouragement and belief of those we hold dear are among the most potent forces in our lives. This support can uplift us in moments of doubt and motivate us to persevere through challenges we might not tackle on our own. It's a reminder that we are not alone in our struggles and that our efforts are seen and valued. Embracing this support is not a sign of weakness; rather, it's a recognition of the strength that comes from vulnerability and connection.
It's essential to recognize that the support of our loved ones acts as a mirror, reflecting to us the best of who we are and who we can be. It's a testament to the faith they have in us, which in turn can bolster our faith in ourselves. This reciprocal exchange of support and encouragement fosters deeper relationships and a strong sense of closeness, reminding us that our journeys are shared and that our successes are collective achievements, no matter who does the work. Not only do we benefit from receiving support, but we also find fulfillment and purpose in being a source of encouragement and strength for others.
Embracing the support of our loved ones involves recognizing it as a form of love – a testament to the bonds that unite us. It's an acknowledgment that true strength often lies in our collective efforts and shared vulnerabilities. This perspective shifts the narrative from one of individual accomplishment to one of communal resilience and success. By fostering an environment where support is freely given and received, we cultivate a culture of empathy, understanding, and unconditional acceptance.
It’s also vital to embrace the reality that even when our loved ones change their perception, it doesn’t change the truth of who we are. At those times we have to be the encourager, focusing on what we have been given so that we may give it back.
Understanding Worth
Our worth extends far beyond our external accomplishments and the roles we play. It's rooted in our essence, our character, and the love we share. This realization frees us from the constant pursuit of external validation and allows us to find contentment and value in simply being. It's a liberating understanding that our identity is not tied to our productivity or our ability to meet societal expectations but is inherent in our very being.
This lesson also invites us to redefine what it means to be successful. True success encompasses the quality of our relationships, the joy we find in everyday moments, and the peace that comes from living authentically. By anchoring our worth in these intangible yet invaluable aspects of life, we open ourselves to a more fulfilling and meaningful existence, enriched by connections that nourish our souls and inspire us to give back with generosity and kindness.
Embracing Authentic Self
The journey to embracing our authentic selves is both challenging and rewarding. It requires us to confront our fears, shed our masks, and stand in our truth, even when it feels vulnerable. This authenticity is the foundation of genuine relationships and a life of integrity. It empowers us to pursue our passions, speak our truths, and connect with others deeply with meaning.
Furthermore, living authentically allows us to break free from the constraints of societal expectations and the pressure to conform. It enables us to chart our path, guided by our values and beliefs, and to make choices that resonate with our true selves. This alignment between our inner and outer worlds brings a sense of peace and fulfillment that cannot be found in living a life that is not our own.
Perfection is Not a Requirement
The pursuit of perfection is a relentless taskmaster, often leading to burnout, dissatisfaction, and a feeling of never being "enough." Recognizing that "good enough" is not only acceptable but often preferable, allows us to live more fully, embracing the beauty of imperfection. This acceptance can lead to greater creativity, resilience, and a willingness to take risks, knowing that failure is not a reflection of our worth but a step in the process of learning and growth.
Moreover, letting go of perfectionism opens us to the richness of the human experience, with all its flaws and intricacies. It teaches us compassion for ourselves and others, as we recognize that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. This compassion fosters a more supportive and understanding community, where individuals feel empowered to share their authentic selves and their unique contributions to the world.
Overcoming Fear
Facing and overcoming our fears is a crucial component of personal growth. It involves stepping out of our comfort zones, confronting the unknown, and taking risks that can lead to significant rewards. This process helps us build confidence and resilience, as we learn that we are capable of handling whatever life throws our way. It also encourages us to pursue our dreams with determination, guided by the belief that our aspirations are worth the effort, even in the face of potential setbacks.
This engagement with our fears also opens the door to deeper self-discovery.
Each challenge we face and each fear we overcome reveals more about our strengths, our values, and our capacity for growth. It highlights the dynamic nature of our being – that we are not fixed entities but evolving individuals capable of adaptation and change. This realization can be profoundly liberating, as it reassures us that we are not defined by our past actions or by the limitations we once believed we had.
The lessons we've discussed today aren't just about my milestones; they reveal universal truths about the human condition. They serve as a reminder that our worth is intrinsic, our need for connection is fundamental, and our capacity for growth is limitless. By engaging with these insights, I invite you to reflect on your journey, to embrace your authentic self, and to recognize the profound impact that support and love have had in your life. Consider this a call to action—not just for me, but for all of us—to live boldly, love deeply, and lean into the beauty of our shared human experience. Let's celebrate our imperfections, challenges, and triumphs, recognizing that these are what define and unite us.
In my writing I am in a hurry. I pen most of my articles in one sitting. This one took one hour from start to finish. The lessons come from the last eighteen months of my journals, the stories come from my never-ending rolodex of experience. My romantic mind is in a constant state of being a conqueror-poet, wanting to finally put the cosmos in order while opining on the journey and its eternal awe.